A Visit to Nonna’s House
Monday, January 15, 2018 – Martin Luther King Day
It’s one of those typical rainy, January days in San Francisco (though my parents often say that January is one of the nicest months on the California Coast) and we’re headed up to Nonna’s House on Columbus Avenue. Mom, dad & I are in mom’s Subaru and dad is complaining that we’ll never find parking close by. Amy’s not far behind in her car with her friend Deborah Amore. Deb’s a psychic medium.
Since starting my ancestry work a few years ago, Amy & I have been talking about taking Deb up to Nonna’s to do a reading for us. We’re fascinated to see this place for ourselves - and to see if Deb can help uncover some of the mysteries of the family and/or confirm a few.
We’ve talked Dad into joining us (but keep in mind, he really has no idea what this is all about – truth be told, he just loves spending time with his girls). Mom joins us willingly . . she’s always up for an adventure!
But first, let me give you a little background and perspective on the place . . .
My dad’s grandmother, Nonna Rafello, lived at 1333 Columbus Avenue in San Francisco. She lived at this house as long as my Dad could remember – and she died there as well. My dad remembers family dinners there (and we even have a picture of him, as a baby sitting on his Mom’s lap at Nonna’s table, surrounded by aunts & uncles). Nonna was deeply religious – more than likely it had followed her from a strong Catholic upbringing in Sicily – and she went to church every day. Saints Peter and Paul Church was a 15 minute walk each way, from her house on Columbus and she did this walk religiously every day. She was married in this church in 1902 and when she died in 1961, her funeral was held there as well.
My dad’s Nonno lived there too – but he killed himself – in that same house in 1931. My dad & his cousins have few memories of him, as he was gone before most of them were born or old enough to remember. While tragic, no one talked about it much (at least in Dad’s generation) – but it became family legend nevertheless.
No one is sure just when they bought this house, but according to my review of census records it was sometime in the 1920s. On the 1920 census, the family is living at 603 ½ Bay Street and they are renting. By 1930, they are homeowners at 1333 Columbus Avenue.
Some years back, 1333 Columbus Avenue became an Irish pub & tavern called Fiddlers Green. My dad & mom, who are fabulous San Francisco tour guides, would sometimes take people by there to see the “old place”. When they took cousin Carl and his son Nick there a couple of years ago, Amy & I were even more determined to make a trip up there ourselves. By the way, in Ireland, Fiddlers Green is the place that Irish Fisherman go when they die. The irony was not lost on us. Nonno and most of his sons were fisherman out of San Francisco Bay and my ancestry work in Sicily has uncovered a long line of fisherman on both Nonno’s father’s & mother’s sides of the family.
Note: I’m going to use Nonna & Nonno’s birth names for the rest of this story – as that’s the way I documented them the day of the reading - and honestly, how I’ve come to identify them when I think about and research them. Nonna was named Calogera (but went by Linda once in America) and Nonno was named Antonino (and went by Tony in America).
I pull up in front of the Fiddlers Green and let my dad out of the car. Mom & I go to find a parking place so dad can get settled inside the dry pub. We join dad and he’s explaining to the manager that his family used to live here. A few minutes later, Amy & Deb arrive. The manager welcomes us in and apologizes that the kitchen won’t be open until dinner time, but he’s happy to serve us drinks.
Mom has brought along some pictures of the family and spreads them out on the table. Deb picks them up and then puts them back on the table. She moves them around a bit and starts to look a little distant then she starts talking. She sees people in this house. It’s full of people and they’re eating and laughing and talking. Kids are running everywhere. Everyone’s happy.
Deb’s talking quietly & asking questions and Calogera’s the first to come through. Calogera shares that she knows she has a reputation of not being very nice. She wants us to know that she wasn’t born this way; it was her life circumstances that made her life the way it was.
Calogera shares that she went to church every day; she was looking for some comfort, some solace – but shares that it never really changed her behavior.
The focus shifts to Antonino. I think Amy or I asked if he was with us too. Deb confirms that yes, he is. On dad’s request, Deb asks if he took his own life and he answers (through her) that “he had to end it”. He shares that he owned money and “they” were going to “work him over”. As Deb explains this to us, it’s really as if Antonino is speaking “through her”.
Antonino shares that he begged Calogera to give him money to repay the debt but that she didn’t believe “they” would really do anything to him. Despite his repeated requests, she just wouldn’t believe him or give him money. He claims, she didn’t want to help him out of the situation.
At one point, my dad asks how they got the money to buy the house and Antonino answers that the funds were from the mob and loan sharks (this is the first & only time these references were used). We never asked or confirmed whether the money in question was the same loan that led him to take his own life – or other money he may have borrowed for another purpose (given timing of when they bought the house in the 1920’s and his death in 1931, it seems possible it was for the house).
He then starts to describe his relationship with Calogera. He says he understood why she was the way she was. He describes her as “miserly with her affection and money”. He starts to talk about his own circumstances.
Antonino talks about how he brought with him “how he was supposed to behave and what he was supposed to do” from Sicily and the culture there. He says he was involved with “really bad people” and that “it” followed him from Sicily. His beliefs and how he lived in the America were tied to everything he believed and learned at “home”. He says he was raised by “loose Catholics”. He talks about his “people or group” as church going, acting like “good Catholics” but that in life they lived totally different. When describing those differences he used words like “murder, dishonest & bad behavior”. At one point, he also mentions that all this led to why he had to change his name – leaving Graffeo behind and adopting Rafello.
We’d heard from the manager that there had been reports of ghosts in the house. We assumed it was Antonino since he had killed himself in this house. Amy asked Deb if Antonino was still there; if he was the ghost. He quickly responded with “no, I crossed over right away, I’d had enough in life, had no desire to stay there”.
What happens next, still gives me goose bumps and raises the hair on the back of my neck.
While Antonino was not a church-going man in life, as his wife had been, he talked for the next few minutes lovingly of God & what I can only assume is heaven. It was an amazing story of enlightenment and in my mind, an amazing discovery of true love. It brings a big smile to my face & heart as I write this next part.
Antonino says that he could have made other choices in life, but that he didn’t know then what he knows now. He just did what culture and “his pack” always did. He says “the purpose of life is to live with lightness and as close to God, with love and oneness”. Everything he thought and believed was not what’s important at all. He describes the afterlife as SO wonderful – “zipping around, see who we want, do what we want, and completely different than what we were told it was”. He sounded happy and as if his time was now about enjoyment and spending time with those you love (my interpretation anyway . . . I guess you had to be there).
He explains that he hasn’t come back yet because he “isn’t ready and doesn’t want to”. Surprisingly, he adds “and because Calogera hasn’t crossed over yet”. Antonino said he wants Calogera to cross over and get some peace.
The last part of Antonino’s story had us chuckling, as he describes that he probably won’t come back as a Sicilian and “that’s OK”! Also, he probably won’t come back in an enlightened state. Again, he seemed OK with that and happy to add another lap to his life journey – one that would have him participate in the teachings that accumulate & evolve to create a status in this life that we call an “old soul”. At least from my perspective, again that’s how I chose to see it!
We turn our attention back to Calogera.
Deb explains that she’s persistent, loud and wants to be heard. Deb also tells Calogera is still at the house; she never crossed over at death.
As with Antonino, it’s as if Calogera is talking “through” Deb. Deb is reciting Calogera’s words.
Calogera talks about her childhood, her happy childhood and says that lasted until she was 12 or 13 years old. She met the love of her life at 11 or 12 and says she didn’t believe her family “would approve” – but she gave her whole heart, love & soul to this person. Deb listens (to Calogera I assume) and replies that this person in turn “maybe made a different choice & deserted her”. There was also a feeling that maybe this person was from a “rival” family.
She starts to talk about her marriage to Antonino and says her family forced and / or arranged the marriage. She didn’t want it and she didn’t love him.
At this point, I ask Deb to ask Calogera if she knows about the work I’ve been doing on the family and how hard I’ve searched for information on the baby. The request is met with an icy stare and response from Deb (as what I assume is from Calogera) saying “she doesn’t want to talk about that baby – never has and never will”. She adds that baby Ignazio is not the love of her life’s child.
I was pretty startled by the response and felt like I’d overstepped my bounds into a very sensitive area. I said something like, “I’ll just stop looking” and Deb quickly responded with a serious & quiet message of what felt just for me of “she’s not mad at you for looking”. I felt a little relieved & comforted.
At this point, Amy asked if Deb could help Calogera “cross over”. I voiced my support for that idea, because at this point, I was almost in tears hearing how sad Calogera’s life had been. I felt so sorry for her and wanted to see the suffering end.
Deb, Amy & I went upstairs to the 2nd floor of the building. The manager had told us we could look around as much as we wanted. He apologized for not being able to show us the 3rd floor where the bedrooms had been, as they’d been turned into small apartments for the staff. No problem, the 2nd floor was large & spacious and we had dad’s description of the original layout. The changes included a set of sliding doors that separated the space into front & back areas. A huge bar flanked one wall and there were a couple of couches set along the other walls. Amy & I sat down together on the couch across from the bar and waited for Deb to work her magic!
Deb sat down on the couch under the front window & closed her eyes. She sat there for about 5 minutes and from time to time, you could hear her ask a question of someone or speak as if she was giving instructions. We heard a LOUD crash and thought that a number of glass racks had fallen in the big closet behind the bar. Immediately after, Deb stands up and says “she’s gone”!
We get up & start to move downstairs when Amy asks Deb if the crash was Calogera crossing over. Deb responds “what crash?” Amy then asks if she’s sure that Calogera has crossed over. Deb says something like “well, let me see”. Standing, she closes her eyes and asks the question “who do you serve?” She asks this a couple more times and then starts to speak in a foreign tongue that neither Amy nor I recognized. About a minute later she opens her eyes and says, “yep, all gone”!
Just like that, Calogera had crossed over. I can only imagine how happy Antonino was to see her AND have high hopes that she’s found the peace & happiness that she felt as a child.
We return downstairs, ask them if they heard the crash (they did) and tell everyone that Deb was successful in helping Calogera cross over.
I realized that the pub was pretty empty, except for the manager Ben, and a family of four that had wandered in to escape the rainy weather. Ben’s curiosity for history on the building was enormous and as with most people, found my mom & dad to be incredibly interesting to listen & talk to. He would have loved us to stay all day. We thanked the family of four for being patient with us and they expressed how much they enjoyed listening to the stories - and thanked us for sharing!
We spent the rest of the afternoon at home, calling both of my dad’s sisters to share the experience. All agreed, “The Trip to Nonna’s House” had been worth the wait!
** See More Notes Below **
When I started planning our family reunion for October 2018, it seemed fitting that we would hold it at Nonna’s House. Unfortunately, Fiddlers Green had a small fire in July 2018 and has been closed for repairs since. Ben, the manager that was there the day we visited, shared his story with me this past summer . . .
It was a lousy day outside and I was sure we’d have no business that day. Business had been pretty slow for months and there were days when it just seemed easier to shut down, rather than stay open to serve a few customers. It took everything in me to even unlock the doors that day. Just when I’m thinking of locking up, this polite, old guy sticks his head in the door and asks if we’re open. I grudgingly say yes and invite him to sit down. He starts to tell me that his family is on their way and that his grandmother used to own this house. Ben goes on to explain that that day is one of his favorite days of his life. He was fascinated by the pictures and the stories and loved talking to all of us – especially my dad & mom (no surprise there). Ben & I have stayed in touch and he’s looking forward to hosting us for a family gathering in the future. I’ve promised to bring him some family photos and he’s promised to hang them proudly & prominently in Fiddlers Green!
Some side notes & observations . . .
When Calogera came to America in 1901, she was 28 years old. Her immigration record shows that she came with a 10 month old baby, named Ignazio Marino. That immigration record also shows that she was married. I’ve subsequently found a census records that states Calogera was first married at 21 (7 years before immigrating) and Antonino at 26 (1 year after immigrating). If the census is correct, they were both married BEFORE marrying each other: Calogero in Sicily and Antonino after coming to America. Antonino & Calogera both changed their names in America after getting married (since their marriage certificate shows Antonino’s name in Latin and Calogera’s given name at birth); baby Ignazio became Emilio Marinello (known as Uncle Red to my Dad’s generation).
The family story goes something like this: Calogera was married in Italy and she had a baby (Ignazio) with this husband. Somehow (war or an accident) the husband died and Calogera & the baby then came to New York (America) in 1901. Somehow (no one seems to know how) Calogera & the baby made their way to San Francisco, where she met & married Antonino (in 1902) and they had 10 children together. **We also have no idea of when & how Antonino got from New York to San Francisco OR what name he may have been using after he arrived in 1897.
Another story says that Calogera always kept a picture of her first “husband” on the mantle and referred to him as “the love of my life”. It was always believed and assumed that the father of baby Ignazio was both this first husband and the love of her life.
Through my travels & research, I discovered that Calogera & Antonino knew each other in Sicily (in fact, it’s highly likely they grew up together, as they were born & lived in a small neighborhood, just 2 houses apart). While I successfully obtained birth certificates from City Hall in Sciacca for Antonino & Calogera, I could find NO documents for either Calogera’s marriage or baby, Iganzio’s birth. I used multiple dates / years in the search, as records for Ignazio (Emilio) in the U.S. show differing dates for his birth. Still no luck. **By the way, it was not uncommon in those days for immigrants to have differing dates on naturalization applications, draft cards, marriage records & death certificates (I’ve found plenty of examples).
My conclusion . . .
Whether you believe in psychics, the afterlife, or the ability to talk with those that have crossed over – there are some interesting things to consider when you compare:
· The information Deb shared with us that day
· The facts I’ve uncovered through my ancestry work
· The family stories that have been passed down
1. More than likely Calogera was never married in Sicily. I believe baby Ignazio was born at home and was illegitimate. Calogera was born & lived her early life in a traditional Catholic society that would have frowned upon an unmarried woman giving birth. The ancestry woman I hired in Sicily said that in those days (late 1800s/early 1900s) Calogera was have been shunned and vehemently told to give the baby up for adoption (or even abandoned on church steps).
2. Calogera claimed that she met the “love of her life” when she was 11 or 12 and that her happy life ended at 12 or 13. She had her first child at 26 or 27 (before coming to America) – the baby could not have been the child of the “love of her life” that she met in her early teens.
3. A strong commitment to the church (left over from her upbringing in Sicily) was probably the only thing she felt would give her peace in an unwanted, unplanned life in America. Her disposition (thought to be hard, unyielding and even unloving to some) is easy to understand if you believe any of the stories she told through the psychic. Besides, if she really did know Antonino in Sicily – the speed in which they got married after Calogera arrived in America – makes more sense than meeting & falling in love (especially with a child of another man in tow). I believe she was sent to Antonino by her family.
4. There’s always been rumors that the family was involved with the mob. I think most of the family thought it was kind of a joke – kind of family lore. After hearing the stories from Antonino through the psychic, I think it makes a lot of sense. How do you buy a house without help when you arrive in America with $11 to your name (shown on his immigration document)? Why would the head of a household with 10 children take his own life? And how would a psychic pick up on so much love for God from a man who rarely attended church in life?
5. The stories gave me a new appreciation for & understanding of Calogera’s life. As a modern woman, who’s had endless opportunities & choice in life, it’s hard not to feel compassion towards someone that had so little control over her own. I thank my Great Grandmother for forging a path so those of us after her could thrive.
6. And lastly, Antonino’s “enlightenment” was a revelation for me. One that reinforced my quest for self-learnings to uncover “my best life” and to help me realize that we can always change our direction – we just need to do it when necessary - and believe in ourselves when doing it. Besides, it’s nice to know if we don’t – that a wonderful afterlife is waiting for us all!
